The Awkward post on the nature of Awkwardness
One of my favorite shows on TV is Curb Your Enthusiasm. The show is about Larry David, the creator of Seinfeld, who retires and lives life as a famous producer. The lines are improvised on the spot, but Larry always manages to get himself in the most awkward and hilarious situations possible. Oftentimes, the scenes become so awkward that I am simply forced to turn away from the screen.
This puzzled me because the situation wasn't happening to me, yet I had that same distinct feeling that occurs when I am personally in an awkward situation.
Curious about the phenomenon of awkward, I decided to ask Rabbi Moskowitz;
Awkward
Rabbi Moskowitz responded that awkward is when that which you hide, gets revealed. It could be an unconscious or suppressed desire or fear that we do not want people knowing. There are a varieties of reasons for why we suppress these feelings. Oftentimes it is a desire that we have but we cannot reveal because it is made taboo by society. In general, we conform, and suppress these desire. But if a situation arises that exposes it, then immediately we feel very awkward.
It can also be the case that someone else's actions make us feel awkward. That is because their actions are triggering that same desire. We are associating a situation that someone else is in, as if we were in it ourselves. When we see others encounter a situation, and we feel terribly awkward, it is because they are exposing our own desires and fears .
The clearest way to explain this is through giving one or two examples.
Example 1- When I was at Yeshiva High School I was in minyan with people coming from very different backgrounds. There were kids who literally didn't know how to do anything. When they were called up to the Torah they would put on the talit completely wrong and would make numerous “obvious” mistakes in their performance. During these moments, I simply had to look away because the situation was so awkward for me.
As Rabbi Moskowitz would explain, these kid's mistakes exposed my own fears of being embarrassed on stage. It is almost certain that they themselves did not feel awkward at all. Situations are not themselves objectively awkward and it is not necessarily the case that everybody feels awkward about the same situations that I would feel awkward. It is only in so far as it exposes something about a specific person that the person feels awkward. In that case, it was only me who felt awkward, since only I had that fear of being embarrassed.
Example 2- Person a talks about person B behind B's back. When B finds out, and A knows that, a will feel very awkward in his encounter with B. That is because A's true feeling's about B have been exposed.
In this case, the feelings a has are not even subconscious. A in some way knows that he hates B but there is no way he will tell b that straight to his face because he is scared of him. Again, it is not necessarily the case that B will also feel awkward. It is possible that B doesn't care and will feel completely comfortable in his encounter with A.
How to Avoid Feeling Awkward
In general, once a person gains understanding of the desire or fear that he has, he will feel less awkward when it gets exposed. Awkward is the conflict between our attempt to keep a feeling hidden from ourselves and from the world, versus the reality which exposes it. Once we recognize and understand the reason for a desire or fear, we will not feel as awkward if a situation exposing it arises since we will not “push back against reality” as strongly.
Once I understood that my discomfort was a result of my own fears of being embarrassed “on stage”, my awkward feeling subsided. I had already exposed it to myself and therefore did not feel as bad if somebody else triggered it in me as well.
Back to Curb
In short, my enjoyment of Curb Your Enthusiasm is a result of my own shortcomings. Although I feel awkward while watching the show, I enjoy the fact that someone else is in the awkward situation and not me. I immediately assume that they feel the same conflict that I do, and I gain an enjoyment from watching other people suffer.
This puzzled me because the situation wasn't happening to me, yet I had that same distinct feeling that occurs when I am personally in an awkward situation.
Curious about the phenomenon of awkward, I decided to ask Rabbi Moskowitz;
Awkward
Rabbi Moskowitz responded that awkward is when that which you hide, gets revealed. It could be an unconscious or suppressed desire or fear that we do not want people knowing. There are a varieties of reasons for why we suppress these feelings. Oftentimes it is a desire that we have but we cannot reveal because it is made taboo by society. In general, we conform, and suppress these desire. But if a situation arises that exposes it, then immediately we feel very awkward.
It can also be the case that someone else's actions make us feel awkward. That is because their actions are triggering that same desire. We are associating a situation that someone else is in, as if we were in it ourselves. When we see others encounter a situation, and we feel terribly awkward, it is because they are exposing our own desires and fears .
The clearest way to explain this is through giving one or two examples.
Example 1- When I was at Yeshiva High School I was in minyan with people coming from very different backgrounds. There were kids who literally didn't know how to do anything. When they were called up to the Torah they would put on the talit completely wrong and would make numerous “obvious” mistakes in their performance. During these moments, I simply had to look away because the situation was so awkward for me.
As Rabbi Moskowitz would explain, these kid's mistakes exposed my own fears of being embarrassed on stage. It is almost certain that they themselves did not feel awkward at all. Situations are not themselves objectively awkward and it is not necessarily the case that everybody feels awkward about the same situations that I would feel awkward. It is only in so far as it exposes something about a specific person that the person feels awkward. In that case, it was only me who felt awkward, since only I had that fear of being embarrassed.
Example 2- Person a talks about person B behind B's back. When B finds out, and A knows that, a will feel very awkward in his encounter with B. That is because A's true feeling's about B have been exposed.
In this case, the feelings a has are not even subconscious. A in some way knows that he hates B but there is no way he will tell b that straight to his face because he is scared of him. Again, it is not necessarily the case that B will also feel awkward. It is possible that B doesn't care and will feel completely comfortable in his encounter with A.
How to Avoid Feeling Awkward
In general, once a person gains understanding of the desire or fear that he has, he will feel less awkward when it gets exposed. Awkward is the conflict between our attempt to keep a feeling hidden from ourselves and from the world, versus the reality which exposes it. Once we recognize and understand the reason for a desire or fear, we will not feel as awkward if a situation exposing it arises since we will not “push back against reality” as strongly.
Once I understood that my discomfort was a result of my own fears of being embarrassed “on stage”, my awkward feeling subsided. I had already exposed it to myself and therefore did not feel as bad if somebody else triggered it in me as well.
Back to Curb
In short, my enjoyment of Curb Your Enthusiasm is a result of my own shortcomings. Although I feel awkward while watching the show, I enjoy the fact that someone else is in the awkward situation and not me. I immediately assume that they feel the same conflict that I do, and I gain an enjoyment from watching other people suffer.
Is it possible to have the same feeling of awkwardness when you see someone else succeed in a situation that you think you would fail in?
ReplyDeleteJimF,
ReplyDeleteGreat question! Based on experience I would say not. It is possible to feel jealous or upset that your friend can do something that you can't, (people like to evaluate themselves in terms of their competition) but you will not feel awkward unless you see your friend fail in the same area that you are scared to fail.
Oftentimes we feel for others by simply projecting what our own feelings would be in a situation that our friend is in. When we see someone around us fail, even if we are not close to him we cannot help projecting the fear that we would have, and then feeling awkward.
However, if our friend is succeeding then there is no possibility of projection.
It look like the show picked up on this.
ReplyDeletehttp://barfblog.foodsafety.ksu.edu/curb.your.enthusiasm.jpg