Making Decisions
One area that I struggle with, is being secure in a decision that I have made. Before making a decision I am indecisive, but the act of deciding will do no good to quell my doubts. I immediately begin feeling that had I made the alternative decision I would have been better off. I change my mind only to discover myself in the same state of doubt.
Jonny Schneeweiss and I came up with 4 strategies for avoiding conflict after a decision has been made:
Strategy 1: Our experiences are shaped by the way we psychologically relate to our decisions. We can either relate to a decision as permanent, one that will be carried through till the end, or as a decision that can be reevaluated and changed at any point. These perspectives applies to all sorts of decisions including schools, careers, spouses etc…
A person who has the perspective that the decision is permanent will approach conflicts or unhappiness with the intention of figuring out how to adapt and thrive given the current circumstances. He will place all his energies on figuring out ways to be happy in the environment that he is in.
A person with the alternative perspective, who relates to the decision as one that can be changed at any time, will not be thinking about adaptation, but rather about the alternatives. His energies will be diverted away from figuring out ways to be happy in his current situation, which will in turn cause him more unhappiness. Not only will he not be adapting to his situation but he will also be placing himself in more conflict because he will begin to foster fantasies associated with the alternative choices.
If I decide that I want to go on the trip I immediately begin fantasizing about sitting in front of a warm fire with my family, cozy, reading my favorite novel. If I decide not to go I immediately imagine all of the exciting adventures that I am missing out on.
If I get married and psychologically relate to it as something that is permanent, then in cases of conflict I will spend my energies on adapting to the situation. However, if I view it as something that I can back out of at any moment my energies will be spent on thinking, “do I really want to be in this kind of marriage? Maybe I could be out single traveling year round!” My energies are not being spent on making myself happier in the situation that I already am in.
The underlying assumption of this strategy is that we can control our attitudes. We can make the conscious decision to approach an experience in a specific way. This is not completely true but we should work on our attitudes to the extent that we can.
In summary: the grass is always greener on the other side. So stop looking at it and focus on dealing with your own grass.
The next three strategies are more relevant for smaller life decisions:
Strategy 2: A person should realize that re evaluating a decision is a painful state in itself. When re-thinking a decision a person should first think; “do I really want to be in this painful state of indecisiveness? Or, can I adapt to the circumstances that I am already in? Most people are only aware of the states that they are deciding about, but are not aware of all the pain they cause themselves through the decision to place themselves in a state of limbo. Really being aware of that painful experience in its own right can help a person change his mind less often after having made a decision. This sounds like it could lead to an infinite regress but in practice a person will find that this can be an effective strategy particularly for minor decisions.
Strategy 3: Oftentimes the consequences of the decision are not that significant. One thing that helps settle the mind is mentally focusing on what things will be like after the consequences of the decision have worn off. A person will sometimes find that its not even worth worrying about the decision since the indecisiveness brings more conflict than anything else.
When I am torn about what food I should have for dinner, stuck with many desirable choices in front of me, I can remember that in thirty minutes I will be full and my decision won’t have mattered any more. When I am torn about whether I should go on a trip or not I remind myself that it won’t really matter as soon as the trip is over. Yes I will have different experiences depending on my choices, but how significant will these experiences be? Will it really matter?
This does not mean that one shouldn’t think about the consequences of minor decisions. But keep them in perspective.
Strategy 4: Practice with smaller decisions. In situations where the consequences are not so great, it sometimes pays just to force oneself to stick to the decision that one has already made. Make it a habit to stick through a decision and this will help you acquire a peace of mind after you’ve made a decision.
Jonny Schneeweiss and I came up with 4 strategies for avoiding conflict after a decision has been made:
Strategy 1: Our experiences are shaped by the way we psychologically relate to our decisions. We can either relate to a decision as permanent, one that will be carried through till the end, or as a decision that can be reevaluated and changed at any point. These perspectives applies to all sorts of decisions including schools, careers, spouses etc…
A person who has the perspective that the decision is permanent will approach conflicts or unhappiness with the intention of figuring out how to adapt and thrive given the current circumstances. He will place all his energies on figuring out ways to be happy in the environment that he is in.
A person with the alternative perspective, who relates to the decision as one that can be changed at any time, will not be thinking about adaptation, but rather about the alternatives. His energies will be diverted away from figuring out ways to be happy in his current situation, which will in turn cause him more unhappiness. Not only will he not be adapting to his situation but he will also be placing himself in more conflict because he will begin to foster fantasies associated with the alternative choices.
If I decide that I want to go on the trip I immediately begin fantasizing about sitting in front of a warm fire with my family, cozy, reading my favorite novel. If I decide not to go I immediately imagine all of the exciting adventures that I am missing out on.
If I get married and psychologically relate to it as something that is permanent, then in cases of conflict I will spend my energies on adapting to the situation. However, if I view it as something that I can back out of at any moment my energies will be spent on thinking, “do I really want to be in this kind of marriage? Maybe I could be out single traveling year round!” My energies are not being spent on making myself happier in the situation that I already am in.
The underlying assumption of this strategy is that we can control our attitudes. We can make the conscious decision to approach an experience in a specific way. This is not completely true but we should work on our attitudes to the extent that we can.
In summary: the grass is always greener on the other side. So stop looking at it and focus on dealing with your own grass.
The next three strategies are more relevant for smaller life decisions:
Strategy 2: A person should realize that re evaluating a decision is a painful state in itself. When re-thinking a decision a person should first think; “do I really want to be in this painful state of indecisiveness? Or, can I adapt to the circumstances that I am already in? Most people are only aware of the states that they are deciding about, but are not aware of all the pain they cause themselves through the decision to place themselves in a state of limbo. Really being aware of that painful experience in its own right can help a person change his mind less often after having made a decision. This sounds like it could lead to an infinite regress but in practice a person will find that this can be an effective strategy particularly for minor decisions.
Strategy 3: Oftentimes the consequences of the decision are not that significant. One thing that helps settle the mind is mentally focusing on what things will be like after the consequences of the decision have worn off. A person will sometimes find that its not even worth worrying about the decision since the indecisiveness brings more conflict than anything else.
When I am torn about what food I should have for dinner, stuck with many desirable choices in front of me, I can remember that in thirty minutes I will be full and my decision won’t have mattered any more. When I am torn about whether I should go on a trip or not I remind myself that it won’t really matter as soon as the trip is over. Yes I will have different experiences depending on my choices, but how significant will these experiences be? Will it really matter?
This does not mean that one shouldn’t think about the consequences of minor decisions. But keep them in perspective.
Strategy 4: Practice with smaller decisions. In situations where the consequences are not so great, it sometimes pays just to force oneself to stick to the decision that one has already made. Make it a habit to stick through a decision and this will help you acquire a peace of mind after you’ve made a decision.
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