Noticing Facades

Shout-out to Olla A. for helping me develop these ideas 

To operate by a facade is to chase after an identity. People chase all sort of identities; the "intellectual", the "nice guy", the "athlete".

Different facades emerge under different circumstances. Among friends, one might be the "funny guy", with his kids the “strict disciplinarian, and with his wife “the romantic”.

Most people live their whole lives chasing after facades and major life decisions such as life pursuits, career or spouse choices, or parenting styles are all unconsciously directed towards these ends. A reflective individual might begin noticing some of the major facades governing his life but yet remain oblivious to many others.

Facades are one of the major causes for many poor decisions and a general dissatisfaction with reality. Most anger, frustration, hurt, and sadness can all be traced back to the presence of one façade or another.

In this post I want to propose a few strategies for noticing our facades. I will not examine the underlying psychology of facades nor strategies for undoing them. I won't even comment on whether it's worthwhile to undo them, or in what circumstances. However, since they are a major contributor to our unhappiness  learning to notice them can go a long way in helping us minimize their painful effects.

I have noticed three trends operating when I am formulating a desire that is driven by a facade. 1) the manner of formulation 2) the specificity and 3) the context.

Manner of Formulation

There are two types of formulations that should serve as red flags for the presence of a facade.

The first is when the formulation directly references an identity. If I am naturally inclined to formulate my desire as, "I want to be someone who gives a lot of charity" then I am probably being driven by a facade. If I'm hungry I would think, "I want to eat cake right now" or even "I want to be eating right now", but" I want to be someone who is eating right now" sounds unnatural because we would feel no need to appeal to our identity in describing the desire. That is because a hungry person's desire for food is not facade driven.

Once I start paying attention to my way of thinking, I started to notice how often I think that I want to be someone who does X. Why don't I just think about how I want to do X? Why am I bringing my identity into the desire?

The second formulation that should serve as a red flag is when I formulate a desire in the past tense. For example, I might think "I want to have studied a lot of Roman history" instead of "I want to read about Roman history". Formulating in the past tense is essentially the same as "being someone" i.e. having a certain type of identity. A person who has studied a lot of history is a history buff, a person who has practiced a lot of music is an accomplished pianist and so on. Someone who is genuinely interested in history wants to actually engage in it not to have engaged in it, just like someone who is hungry for cake wants to eat cake and not to have eaten it.

The two types of formulations are not necessary components of a facade. Sometimes, we can formulate a desire in the most natural way (I want to do x) but still be driven by a facade. The specificity and the context of our desire can give us further clues.

Specificity

The second indication that our desires are driven by a facade is when the desire can only be expressed in a very general way. For example, I might have the desire to farm. Farming entails waking up early, planting, knowing the seasons, plowing, harvesting etc... You can't be a farmer if you're not involved in those activities. And yet, I might hate planting, hate plowing, hate harvesting. i.e. I might want to farm and yet not be attracted to any of the activities that farming entails. This is an indication that my desires don't attach themselves to the activities that farmers are involved in but rather to the fantasy of being a farmer.

A facade driven desire will often be formulated in a non specific way. Thus, when I'm thinking of how I'd love to farm I should imagine myself involved in activities that farmers are actually involved in. Then I am in a better position to decide whether I am actually attracted to that experience or only to the fantasy of the person that I would become.

This is especially important to remember when searching for a career. Every career has a fantasy associated to it that could lure you in. The key is to see whether the desire remains when actual aspects of the career are considered as well.

Context

The context that the desire is formulated in can also point to the presence of a façade. For example, I might have the desire to save kittens from burning buildings, but only when there is a pretty girl watching. If that same kitten needed saving but no one was there to be impressed by my heroism, my desire to go into the building would suddenly disappear. This should point me to the fact that my desire isn’t to actually save kittens but to be a hero- “The Kitten Saver”.

Always pay attention whether there exists an audience associated to that desire. When I want to eat cake I don’t imagine any particular people there with me. If there is an audience it is likely because I want to be seen and recognized as a certain type of person because our facades are held up by the perception of those around us. I can’t be “the hero” unless people recognize me to be that.