Why Everyone Should Be Interested In Child Rearing

I am twenty two years old, at least a couple of years away from marriage, let alone even considering the thought of having children. Yet, I have a profound interest in child rearing. I have listened to shiurim, read articles, and watched TED talks on the topic. I follow homeschooling parenting blogs http://homeschoolchumash.blogspot.com and get in discussions with mothers and fathers about the challenges that they routinely face. It's an odd fascination for a college kid that not many of my peers share. So, why do I spend so much time thinking about child rearing?

Before explaining the benefits of understanding child raising I should probably state a premise. I believe that self knowledge is good. Self knowledge is fundamental to living a happy and fulfilling life. It helps us understand how were feeling and how to make ourselves feel better. It helps us understand our strengths and limitations in order to maximize our potential. It is also essential for pursuing all knowledge. That last claim probably needs justification which I won't bother giving, so take it as you will. Either way, self knowledge is clearly good.
What does that have to do with child rearing? The reason I am so fascinated by child rearing is that I believe it affords us with unbelievable self knowledge in two important ways. It helps us understand why we act the way we do, and it gives us ways to change and better ourselves. In this post I will elaborate on the second way.

We Can Be Our Own Parents 

I recently read an article about how to mentor kids with big (possibly unrealistic) dreams http://project-based-homeschooling.com/camp-creek-blog/how-mentor-kid-big-possibly-unrealistic-dreams. The author writes:

"You don't know what your kids can do. If you guess, you may woefully underestimate. Don’t set limits where limits aren’t necessary. Don’t set limits where they will not only curtail what your child can achieve but may discourage him from getting started in the first place. Big doers need big, complex, far-reaching ambitions. Set the goal small and his motivation will shrink right along with it.

In my experience, adults guessing at what children can accomplish set the bar far too low. When we move to protect our kids, sometimes we’re actually protecting ourselves — from embarrassment (maybe theirs, maybe our own) or from having to deal with big, messy emotions like frustration and disappointment.

Start ramping your kids up to independence now. Don’t wait until they’re 18 and then drop them off a cliff; let them take steps toward being in charge of their own learning and their own future. Let them have their own ideas. Let them have their big, towering dreams and ambitions. Let them work away at something that seems impossible to you. You don’t know what’s possible. They have all the time in the world to get where they want to go. You don’t know what they can do if they try. Instead of worrying about how long it will take for them to be successful, worry about how long it will take them if they never start." 

This is wonderful advice that every parent should take to heart. But I fundamentally believe that this does not only apply to children. We need to apply these same lessons to ourselves. Let's re-write this with a few minor changes.

"You don't know what you can do. If you guess, you may woefully underestimate. Don’t set limits where limits aren’t necessary. Don’t set limits where they will not only curtail what you can achieve but may discourage you from getting started in the first place. Big doers need big, complex, far-reaching ambitions. Set the goal small and your motivation will shrink right along with it. 

In my experience, adults guessing at what they can accomplish set the bar far too low. We move to protect ourselves — from embarrassment or from having to deal with big, messy emotions like frustration and disappointment. 

Start ramping yourself up to independence now. Don’t wait until you're too old to pursue your dreams; take steps toward being in charge of your own learning and your own future. Have your own ideas. Let yourself have big, towering dreams and ambitions. Work away at something that seems impossible to you. You don’t know what’s possible. You have all the time in the world to get where you want to go. You don’t know what you can do if you try. Instead of worrying about how long it will take for you to be successful, worry about how long it will take you if you never start." 

A few important points I want to make here:

 Every individual is made up of many complicated parts that interact in complex ways. We all have different dreams, passions, insecurities, fears, and desires that may not be unified in any clear way. But here comes my central claim. We are also our own parents. The parent within us is what directs our behavior. It  helps prioritize or give credence to certain desires over others. We reason with ourselves trying to change our own psyche. We foster certain traits and neglect others.

 Just like we naturally create limits for what we think our kids can do, what is possible and impossible for them, somebody else probably created limits of what we are capable of. From childhood, we were told what we could do, what we are allowed to do, and what we should do. We internalized those lessons in and those voices have prevented us from pursuing our dreams. Those voices have become the parent that limits our own pursuits of our dreams. We become good at quickly dismissing our own crazy ideas as unrealistic or pushing them out altogether. But as we watch our children outperforming the limits we set for them we can learn a lesson. We need to teach ourselves to start dreaming big again and to follow our own minds. We need to relearn how to allow ourselves to explore without the parent within us interfering. We need to tackle our fear of frustration or disappointment.

Sounds inspirational but for some it may seem a little hard to apply. What practical steps can we take to put these ideas to actions? Well, here is where studying parenting can help again.

"Instead of trying to convert your child’s dream into something “doable,” help her break her big goals down into smaller tasks. Help her find something she can start working on today. Reflect her ideas and plans back to her. Help her see herself as a learner, maker, and doer. Honor her work by giving her the space and time she needs. Invest in her deep interests. Let her maintain ownership — don’t take over. Let her go at her own pace and set her own course."

Now let me rephrase that.

"Instead of trying to convert your dreams into something “doable,”  break your big goals down into smaller tasks. Help yourself find something you can start working on today. See yourself as a learner, maker, and doer. Honor your work by giving yourself the space and time you need. Invest in your deep interests. Let yourself maintain ownership — don’t take over. Let yourself go at your own pace and set your own course."

There really is an idea of "giving yourself space" or "letting yourself maintain ownership" because the "parent" within us might be too quick to reject our dreams and imaginations, and might push us to do what make our bosses, friends, or parents happy.

Being Good Parents
Fostering our creativity is just one small example of how we can parent ourselves. There are countless of others. Our challenge is becoming good parents to ourselves. Learning to give ourselves space to explore and pursue our dreams. Coming up with practical ways to help us take those steps. And the way we become better at parenting ourselves is understanding techniques of actual parenting. We can learn techniques, strategies and approaches and apply them to self development.

When a child is afraid a parent does not just force the child to ignore her fear. The parent shows love, patience, and understanding while gently pushing the child along to overcome and address the insecurities. Yet, these same parents suppress and ignore their own trepidations, never daring to confront them. To become good parents to ourselves we must show the same qualities of patience, love, and care to ourselves that we do for our kids.

Conclusion

Ultimately, I think this idea should place us with a certain kind of responsibility. We are responsible for being our own parents. We need to nurture and care for ourselves. We need to recognize our needs and attend to them like we do to our children. We need to facilitate our own growth while not setting expectations that are too difficult to live up to. We direct our own lives to an even greater extent than we do our children's. To do so well, I believe, is the greatest responsibility we have.