A Harsh Reality of Friendships
Mishlei Summary Chapter 19 Verse 6-7
ו רַבִּים, יְחַלּוּ פְנֵי-נָדִיב; וְכָל-הָרֵעַ, לְאִישׁ מַתָּן.
ז כָּל אֲחֵי-רָשׁ, שְׂנֵאֻהוּ-- אַף כִּי מְרֵעֵהוּ, רָחֲקוּ מִמֶּנּוּ;
6. The great will beg the favor of a generous man, and everyone is a friend to a
man who gives gifts.
7. All the kinsmen of a poor man hate him; surely his friends distance themselves
from him; he pursues statements that are fit for him.
Here are two summaries describing the ideas of these pesukim. The first is my own, while the second was written by my chavruta.
a) The relationships and friendships that we have with people is very (more so than we realize) dependant on our circumstances. The man who is rich, or in a fortunate situation, will have many people turning to him, who will try to get favors from him (utilize him) and will identify with him based on his circumstances. On the other hand a person who becomes poor will even lose his brothers who will hate him in an effort to break the identification. Even if he tries to appeal to their friendship and tries to keep the friendship based on their identification of personalities, it will not be enough to keep his friends from distancing themselves, partially for the reason that the friends will begin to fear that the friendship will be based on the poor person utilizing the friendship for financial help.
However, the fact that our friendships is very dependant on circumstances, does not mean that the friendship is not real.
b) The vast majority of friendships are based on identification and utility. When a man becomes rich, people will seek to establish relationships with him – either because they want to use him, or because they identify with the fantasy he represents and are attracted to him on that basis. Likewise, when a man becomes poor or suffers from some other debilitating condition, even his brothers and friends will seek to break their relationship with him – either because their identification causes them to suffer when they see him in this condition, or because it brings to mind the fact that the same suffering might befall them, or because of the possibility that the relationship will now come with a cost that they are not willing to pay. Ultimately, such relationships have little or nothing to do with the person’s intrinsic qualities, but are entirely dependent on these extrinsic conditions, and will be made or broken on these factors alone.
ו רַבִּים, יְחַלּוּ פְנֵי-נָדִיב; וְכָל-הָרֵעַ, לְאִישׁ מַתָּן.
ז כָּל אֲחֵי-רָשׁ, שְׂנֵאֻהוּ-- אַף כִּי מְרֵעֵהוּ, רָחֲקוּ מִמֶּנּוּ;
6. The great will beg the favor of a generous man, and everyone is a friend to a
man who gives gifts.
7. All the kinsmen of a poor man hate him; surely his friends distance themselves
from him; he pursues statements that are fit for him.
Here are two summaries describing the ideas of these pesukim. The first is my own, while the second was written by my chavruta.
a) The relationships and friendships that we have with people is very (more so than we realize) dependant on our circumstances. The man who is rich, or in a fortunate situation, will have many people turning to him, who will try to get favors from him (utilize him) and will identify with him based on his circumstances. On the other hand a person who becomes poor will even lose his brothers who will hate him in an effort to break the identification. Even if he tries to appeal to their friendship and tries to keep the friendship based on their identification of personalities, it will not be enough to keep his friends from distancing themselves, partially for the reason that the friends will begin to fear that the friendship will be based on the poor person utilizing the friendship for financial help.
However, the fact that our friendships is very dependant on circumstances, does not mean that the friendship is not real.
b) The vast majority of friendships are based on identification and utility. When a man becomes rich, people will seek to establish relationships with him – either because they want to use him, or because they identify with the fantasy he represents and are attracted to him on that basis. Likewise, when a man becomes poor or suffers from some other debilitating condition, even his brothers and friends will seek to break their relationship with him – either because their identification causes them to suffer when they see him in this condition, or because it brings to mind the fact that the same suffering might befall them, or because of the possibility that the relationship will now come with a cost that they are not willing to pay. Ultimately, such relationships have little or nothing to do with the person’s intrinsic qualities, but are entirely dependent on these extrinsic conditions, and will be made or broken on these factors alone.
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